Mata Berdebu

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am—and why I’m always chasing new things.

Sometimes it feels like my whole life is a series of new beginnings. 
I’ve always been the kind of person who loves learning.
Workshops, courses, new hobbies… if something sparks my interest, I want to dive in.

There was a time I thought I’d move to Germany and even try signed up for an Ausbildung program and enroll the Deutsch language course and I managed to reach A2 level.
Eventually, I realized it wasn’t quite right for my age.
I’m still on Duolingo every day, learning German and start over French —not because I have to, but because it makes me happy.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I’m too restless for my own good.
I used to garden, but stopped when we had to fix up our lawn.
I once taught fashion design and sewing classes, but life shifted, and now I’m working full-time.
The one thing I do consistently, my husband teases, is cook—which, okay, is partly because we have to eat. I mean, it is survival skill right?
But I’ve come to love it, especially baking. There’s something soothing about folding butter into flour or peeking into the oven to see a cake rising.

Outside the kitchen, tennis has my heart. I’m nowhere near professional, but there’s something about the rhythm of a good rally, the sound of the ball hitting the racket, that makes me feel completely alive. 

Over the years, I’ve dipped my toes into so many things—pottery, perfume making, baking, drawing and painting, reading, writing. Each of them felt like a tiny adventure. But sometimes, I look back and wonder if all my dabbling makes me seem inconsistent.

And I’ll admit, it hurt a bit when my husband said I’m not consistent, as if all these different pieces of me don’t really count for much.
His words have stuck with me longer than I’d like to admit, making me question whether my curiosity is a flaw instead of a gift.

But deep down, I don’t think it’s a waste at all. Pottery course taught me patience and how beautiful imperfection can be. Perfume making showed me how powerful small details are. Baking has taught me resilience—because not every cake comes out perfect on the first try. Drawing and painting let me express things that words can’t always capture. Reading opens up whole new worlds, and writing helps me figure out my own.

Even with all that, I sometimes feel like I’m not “somebody.” Like everyone else has their titles, achievements, and impressive LinkedIn profiles, while I’m floating between hobbies and phases. Just the other day, I found some friends on internet and felt that familiar pang of comparison. Why can’t I be one of those people?

Maybe because I meant to be this person instead?

Or maybe the real answer is:
I could be one of those people—but I choose to be me and that’s worth just as much.

Maybe my path isn’t a straight line—but it’s mine. And I’m excited to see where it leads next.

- Curiosity didn’t really kill the cat, satisfaction brought it back. 

Pernah nggak sih kamu duduk diam di tengah percakapan yang mulai memanas, lalu berpikir, “Ngapain, ya, aku buang energi buat hal ini?”

Aku pernah. Bahkan, cukup sering. Dulu, aku merasa perlu menjelaskan semuanya—seperti punya tanggung jawab moral untuk meluruskan dunia. Padahal, makin ke sini aku sadar: dunia ini nggak butuh dilurusin, dia lagi rebahan. 

Berdebat sama orang yang denial dan egonya segede stadion itu rasanya kayak ngobrol sama tembok—cuma bedanya, tembok nggak balik ngegas. 

Kamu kasih logika? Mereka bales pake volume. Kamu kasih data? Mereka jawab pake drama.

Lama-lama aku sadar, mereka bukan ingin diskusi. Mereka cuma ingin menang.

Lalu ada yang bertanya, “Apa itu nggak egois? Nggak jadi ignorankah kamu kalau memilih diam?”

Pertanyaan yang valid. Tapi menurutku, diam bukan berarti masa bodoh. Kamu ga butuh membuktikan apapun ke mereka. Diam adalah keputusan sadar untuk menjaga energi dan memilih pertempuran yang layak. Karena yang ignoran itu bukan orang yang memilih tenang—tapi orang yang tahu ada masalah dan memilih berpura-pura tidak peduli terhadap hal-hal yang berdampak.
Percaya deh, berdebat dengan ego setinggi gedung bukanlah hal yang menyelamatkan dunia.

Dulu aku gampang terpancing. Sekarang? Bahkan kalau disindir pun aku cuma mikir, “Wow, epic cinema!” Aku lebih memilih duduk di pojok kafe, pasang headset, minum kopi, dan pura-pura sibuk nulis—padahal lagi mikirin betapa tenangnya hidup tanpa harus ikut ribut.

Karena apa? Karena energi aku bukan unlimited kayak WiFi kantor. Baterai aku tipis, kadang cuma cukup buat nonton video kucing di TikTok dan ngeluh dikit sebelum tidur.

Jadi maaf ya, kalau kamu merasa aku menghindar dari debat... Itu bukan karena aku nggak punya argumen. Aku cuma lebih cinta diri sendiri. 

Pada akhirnya, bukan soal siapa yang paling benar. Tapi siapa yang paling nggak drama. Dan aku, dengan bahagia, memilih untuk jadi yang nggak drama. 

Kalau kamu pernah merasa bersalah karena memilih diam, aku harap tulisan ini mengingatkan: kamu nggak sendiri. Memilih tenang bukan berarti menyerah. Kadang itu justru bentuk tertinggi dari kendali diri.

Semoga kamu punya cukup energi hari ini. Untuk kopi yang enak, fisik dan hati yang sehat. Sisanya? Skip aja, nggak penting. 

I never thought I had unfinished business with you.

And then… my body decided to betray me.

That night, when I suddenly collapsed, paralyzed, crying hysterically for no reason... Yeah, turns out my nervous system had been holding onto you like an expired trauma subscription I forgot to cancel. 

Was it spiritual? Was it science? Honestly, who knows. But what I do know is that my body did a whole dramatic exorcism on my behalf, and I didn’t even ask for it.

So this? This is just me deleting the last hidden file in the system.

So goodbye, for real this time.

Sincerely,

P